I am going to be on the new Ricki Lake Show tomorrow. At least, I think I am. There is no guarantee that I will actually be on the Ricki Lake Show tomorrow, because it was prerecorded, which means I could be edited right off the show. It wouldn’t be the first time. I am someone who quite often gets really really close to having exciting things happen and then, usually at the last minute, finds the rug gone and my ass on the floor.
I am not complaining. It’s nice to know that I get to keep coming really close to accomplishing things. It means that there will always be new and exciting things that I can ALMOST accomplish.
So in the spirit of all the possibility and hopefulness that still exists about tomorrow’s show – crazy-eyes or cutting room floor not withstanding – I would like to list some of my past ALMOST-SUCCESSES. Won’t that be fun? (Cue The Kenny Rogers -)
#1. I ALMOST Got Price Waterhouse Coopers to Fund a Theater Company: They did actually fund part of two shows, but they had ALMOST agreed to pay for all the shows that year- That is until all of our actor’s got drunk wearing jeans at their black tie Christmas party.
#2. I Was ALMOST Dakota Fanning’s Assistant Talent Manager: Well, technically, I was for six weeks. Our roster included Mamie Gummer, Julia Styles and Mike Myers’ ex-wife Robin. I also bought girl scout cookies from Dakota and her sister Elle. I got fired in large part because I sent Jennifer Garner’s ex-husband on an audition for a movie being directed by Jennifer Garner’s current husband. So that was bad.
#3. I ALMOST Got a Famous Designer to Donate Free Couture Clothes to An Independent Film: Then I mispronounced her name on a call and never, ever heard from her again. But seriously, Malandrino is kind of hard.
#4. I ALMOST Got a Million Dollars to Make a Movie With Michael Showalter and Eugene Mirman: Like, I came surprisingly close for a public school graduate. There were many many meetings. We were so close. Then it all fell apart. I’m still not sure why but I blame not using drugs.
#5. I ALMOST Had a Story on NPR’s This American Life: This was recent, and to be honest, I ALMOST had two stories. But both fell through at the last minute. I am no longer crying every seven minutes. So that’s an improvement.
I’ll stop there but the list goes on and includes being edited out of a Hilary Swank movie in which I was given really good hair or the time I ALMOST married Heath Ledger after he bumped into me at a restaurant in Prague and said, “Pardon me.” But that last one might have been for the best. The point of this stroll down memory lane is basically the song Tubthumping by Chumbawamba. That’s all I can say.
Tomorrow, for better or worse, Ricki Lake will air and I may be on there looking like I’m mid-electrocution, or I might be photoshopped into a giant moth. I can’t say. But I’ll always keep assuming that there will be other chances to be on talk television. And you know what they say about people who “assume…”
For more info about where and when I will or will not be (crazy-eyed) on the Ricki Lake Show click Where to Watch.